Chapter 1
What This Book Will Teach You


The last thing you want to do is read a book on raising teens written by someone who has never raised a teen.  So first things first, yes we have raised two teens, and are raising one more right now, with one approaching the teen age.  We have four kids.  This book is written by both of us, so it is from both perspectives.  When you see “I” or “me” we really mean both of us, but one of us wrote that part. Although we are drawing on many life experiences that are fresh in our minds, our information is based on God’s life-giving Word. The concepts here are biblically sound, as there is no other foundation you can build your life on that won’t eventually crumble. The concepts are in fact personally tested. As I said already, we have teens. So how did we do?  First, let us admit that we are not technically smart enough to do what we did, and it would be ridiculous for us to take any of the credit.  Our two oldest graduated high school at the top of their classes. This was astounding to us since my wife and I were both average students, and we never really harped on school or homework with our teens.  The two teens have navigated dating really well, have great friends, and serve in church.  The one that is 16 at the time of this book was our really independent child/teen.  Challenging, you might call him. He has grown into an astounding natural leader, ambitious in every area of life. He is magnificently driven. All three are well rounded, have fun, love life, and love hanging out with us. No really.  I don’t even think we are very fun, but God’s Word works.  We wondered when the stressful teenage drama was going to kick in with our kids, but it never did.  We waited for the moment when “we just can’t relate to them anymore!”  It didn’t happen.  We never had the big fights, and our daughter never said, “I hate you I hate you I hate you” (door slam). Our teens aren’t finger-pointers. They forgive, give, and love. They each cuss a little bit and they fight with each other every now and then, as any good kid does.  The boys play video games too much, and the girl is on her social networks entirely too often.  Well, we will take that any day of the week based on how dark our culture and society is.  We aren’t bragging here about being teenage-raising know-it-alls, but there are things I see parents doing that are feeding into the problems they have.  Just some small tweaks in your thinking are going to turn this big ship in a better direction. 
 
The reality here is that you may already know what to do. When I meet with parents who are having difficulty and I begin to share these simple truths about raising teens, they say, “I knew it!”  And they did.  What you are going to read here is about agreement and confirmation.  There is power in agreement, and security in being anchored in your beliefs.  There will be times you read this and you too will say “I knew it!”  And you did.  The simple fact that you are purchasing a book on raising teens means two things.  First, you care.  Second, you are trying.  Based on those two things I can tell you that things are going to be getting better.  For those in a crisis, well, things are going to be getting better.  For those not in a crisis, things for you will also be getting better. Whatever receives your focus is going to improve. Now get ready for some new ideas. This is not going to fix things for you tomorrow.  But they are going to get better, a lot better.  Extraordinarily better. 
 
We are founding the principles of this book on our understanding of the Bible.  You might say, “Well, what does the Bible say about teenagers?” To answer that I must admit that the word teenager isn’t in the Bible.  Still, many of our heroes in the Bible start their stories as teens, such as the young David watching the sheep, or our King of Kings Jesus who has gone missing from his parents.  It appears that the Book of Proverbs was targeting Solomon’s teenage kids, since he starts the book with warning of the wayward wife and the slippery slope of adultery, not a great conversation for a nine-year-old, and potentially a bit late for someone well beyond puberty.
Concepts:  This book is exactly what you have been looking for!  It is for you.  In this book you will travel through the concepts we discovered from the Bible and tested along our journey.   All the details in this book are born from a few simple concepts.  If you understand the concepts they will be easy to apply to your family.  Concepts are better than task lists because a concept works at the root of an issue and crosses cultural and generational boundaries.  Whether you have a traditional family or some variation of that, these concepts will still work.  Principles don’t change based on circumstances.  For instance, being a single parent doesn’t change the gravitational pull of the earth on you.  Further, concepts adapt to the uniqueness of you, and there are unique things about you that are exactly what you need in raising the teens God has given you.  If you are a bit quirky and different, or ordered and a neat freak, or cheap, slow, intense, sloppy, and impulsive; whatever you are innately like, remember that God gave you kids that need exactly you, or the exact you that Jesus is revealing as He heals you and peels back the layers of wounds, sorrows, and lies that the world has tried to infect you with.  The parenting concepts presented in this book will become a weapon that you will forge for victory.  David killed Goliath with a sling after finding out that Saul’s royal armor and sword just wouldn’t fit.  In the same way, I’m not going to give you our armor, but the ability to find victory using your weapon of choice.
In this book you will learn several concepts to help bring understanding and solutions to the major problems we face in raising teens.  I will reveal the concepts as we look at the following problems:

• My teen no longer cares what I say! How do you maintain influence in their lives?

 

• My teen does the opposite of what I want!  Learn how to create a healthy channel for the independent mechanism that has turned on inside them.

 

• My teen shows no motivation!  How do I get my teen reaching towards potential?

 

• Who is the PARENT???  How do I discipline now? We won’t be checking out of the guardian hotel early. Your role as a parent isn’t over just yet.

 

• What is a healthy curfew, and for what age?  Learning not to give out freedoms too fast.

 

• Why do you hang around those losers?  Teaching your kids to choose good friends.

 

• SEX?  Wait, are they having sex?  Purity help!

 

• I do not think he should be dating that girl!  Learning how to navigate future spouse discussions.

 
 
I would say that if you decide that this book is too long and you won’t be reading any of it, then skip to the Church chapter, as it is the most important and redeeming place of raising healthy teens.  If you do none of this book save only just that chapter, you will still have a very high chance of winning, as Jesus is the incorruptible Seed, Redeemer of all.  If children are raised by a village, make church your village!  If you decide you do not want your kids in church, or you decide they can stay home if they don’t want to go to church, then you may throw this book in the trash right now. (Unless of course you haven’t purchased it yet, then putting it back on the shelf or closing your internet browser will also be acceptable.) :)
 
Before we move on from chapter one, and begin to look at why your teen may seem to not care what you say, I want to introduce our very first concept.  These concepts are critical to you forging a philosophy for raising your teenagers, so take your time when you see them.
 
PERFECTIONISM:  The very first concept to understand is what the world has called “Perfectionism”.  It is a God-created trait that is inherent in children as a protection mechanism. Perfectionism is simply the idea that your offspring think you are flawless, incapable of making a mistake while they are still children.  For teens, perfectionism is over.  Puberty hits, and suddenly they found out their Dad may not actually be the toughest Dad on the block, and that Mom might actually be wrong about something.  Uh oh.  God put some programming in children that shields them from the evil of this world until they are a bit older.  A child will only see the good in you. This is why children blame themselves in divorce or even abuse.  Tell them it is Dad’s fault all you want, but deep down they are incapable of believing that.  They may realize later, looking back at childhood things, that there was injustice.  But while they are children, parents are perfect.  A foster child is certain the CPS workers are to blame for why they cannot see their parents.  They will never believe that they were removed for safety reasons, even in the face of certain and obvious danger.  Perfectionism. To that nine-year-old you raised, you are perfect.  I hope you enjoyed it, because now they are teens, and your life complexion flaws have become obvious pimples, be it real or perceived, and your teens will be quick to try and squeeze them.  You were perfect before, but now, well, not so much.  Gone are the days that your son thinks your faster than Flash Gordon. Your daughter has finally realized she doesn’t always agree with you.  She has an opinion. Surprise.  The honeymoon is over.  God has unlocked in them a system of justice which is there to ready them for life on their own, and that new justice system is going to impact how they feel about you.  They are going to begin to judge how you live your life. Do I have your attention?  Well then, let’s figure out how this is going to play into your role as a parent.  You ready?

Chapter 2
Maintaining Influence
Don’t Disqualify Yourself
 
Raising a teen?  The phrase is fundamentally flawed. Teen.  They are kind of already "raised".  Really, we are now chasing after influence that will result in growth.  So here is the big question of this chapter:
My teen no longer cares what I say! How do you maintain influence in their life?
 
If you ask the right question you are going to have a better shot at winning here. Your goal is influence. You want the influence in their life. Influence means you can say, “I think that is the wrong girl for you,” and you will cause them to deeply consider breaking up. What you say will carry great weight, causing them to question their own direction, and consider the words you say. They will drive the car of life, but you are getting to steer an awful lot. This is the safety net that has the power to keep their lives from spinning out of control. You will say, “I think you can get an A in that class if you work hard, so now here are some things you can do…” and you are giving them some pointers and they are actually valuing the wisdom, even listening.  Wow.  This is exactly where we are headed!  In the following two chapters we are going to look at how to gain and maintain influence.  The truth is, you started as the major influencer in their life.  How can you keep that influence?
 
The first mistake you may make is getting yourself disqualified as an influencer. The runner gets disqualified from the race if he takes a short cut across the lawn. It is the same for parenting teens. You are running in the race of life, but they can tell if you are cheating your way through it. What I mean is, you can’t ask them to eat healthy while you eat garbage.  However, I’m not talking about how you eat. I mean all of what you do.  You want them to not sleep with the person they date, but are you? Would you?  Did you?  Are you telling them you did? So not disqualifying yourself means this one is on you.  You – let’s work on you for a sec. Are you in church every week?  Is God your priority?  Is it obvious?  Does church mean we go unless there is something... To Continue order your copy today